We Wear the Mask
by purplehairedwonder
Summary: The Tantei reflect on their lives and how their lifestyles have forced them to hide behind masks in order to exist in society. An internal reflection on each of their lives and their relationships with others.
1. Kurama: Demon in Disguise

**Author's Note:** Just a little idea that popped into my head at some point. We read this poem last year in English and the more I looked at it, the more it seemed to fit the YYH characters. I've been wanting to write something angsty for awhile, so this is the result. There will be a total of four chapters (maybe five if I get inspired to write about Botan).

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho, nor do I own the poem "We Wear the Mask." That was written by Paul Laurence Dunbar. I'm merely borrowing them both for my own amusement and will put them back when I'm done.

* * *

Kurama

(Demon in Disguise)

* * *

_We wear the mask that grins and lies,  
__It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,_

I've always lived a life of deceit. From my early childhood on, it was what I learned, to the point where it became second nature without me even realizing it. I always knew of my legend in Demon World. I knew what was said of me and what others thought of me. Perhaps I was arrogant. But I knew. A fox is deceitful.

Back then there were so few who knew the true me. Yomi, Kuronue, and a small handful else ever saw more than the bandit side of me. I played my games, though they may have ruined or even ended lives. I know who I was and I accept that part of me. I never leave anything behind. I never have and I never will.

But now the wheel of deceit spins once more. As much as I have changed since living in Human World, the deceit will never leave. My family sees one side of me. Demons see another, and my friends yet another. Which one am I? Sometimes even I don't know. I hide behind those masks almost as if to excuse my existence. I hide my true self from even me.

_This debt we pay to human guile;  
__With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,  
__And mouth with myriad subtleties._

Perhaps my demon self is more like a human than I had originally thought. I had never seen such rings of deceit besides my own until I joined the Spirit Detective team. Sometimes it wasn't clear whether the humans were the ones that needed to be saved… or even if they were worth saving.

But we did our job anyway. Spirit World commanded and we obeyed. We battled through living nightmares only to be confronted by them in our sleep as well. We fought creatures that even horror films have yet to dream of. We hid our true identities from those we loved and battled on, all in the name of peace. We were saving the world, though sometimes I wonder if Sensui was right in questioning the worth of mankind. Who really needed the saving?

We fought who we were told and risked our lives every time. And in the end, we stood torn and bloodied when the smoke cleared and declared victory. We saved the world again. And yet, we would have to do it again soon.

_Why should the world be over-wise,  
__In counting all our tears and sighs?_

And the whole time we fought, the world never knew it was in danger and needed saving. People didn't need to be burdened with the fact that there are things that go bump in the night and that nightmares can come true. People didn't need to know that it had a team of champions fighting for it. Our families were blissfully unaware of the greater problems.

I hid the wounds and I hid the tears and I tried to hide the dreams. My family didn't need to know of my other life; the one I was more suited for, it so often seemed. No, ignorance is bliss. A few wounds and dreams are nothing compared to the alternative if Sensui had succeeded in opening the tunnel, or if the wrong demon had won the Makai Tournament. No, it's better that they don't know. Again, I hide behind the masks.

_Nay, let them only see us, while  
__We wear the mask._

Normality is a dream that I only wish could become a reality. No matter how long I live, I shall carry the scars of the past on my heart, and some on my body. But I can hide them. The darker truths are those that don't need to be known. Let the world go on as it would. Let the world live in blissful ignorance. It's better that way.

The world needs champions, but they need to be strong; unyielding; unflawed. The world wants its cartoon superheroes, but it has us instead. But is that really so bad? No, we may not be the strongest, or the most perfect, but we are what we are. We know our strengths and our limits. And we will continue to fight. Not because we have to; not anymore. We fight to protect. We fight because it is the right thing to do.

We may not be the idealistic superheroes that children fantasize about, but we are what we are. We are the champions, whether we like it or not. We don't want to be seen bloodied and broken. We don't want to be seen in a cold sweat after a nightmare. It will happen, but let the world see our masks. Let them see us as they would. We have each other in the darker moments.

_We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries  
__To thee from tortured souls arise._

I am not so arrogant as to lie and say I have not been beaten; that I've never been scared; that I don't dream. I still dream of the crow. I still dream of the math in which I nearly broke. I still wake up in a cold sweat after those violet eyes pierce through my dreaming soul. I still dream of those wounds and the pain.

I can vividly remember much of my time fighting at Yusuke's side. I can vividly remember the foes and the pain. I can remember Yusuke's death like it was yesterday. I can remember the feeling of my heart breaking and a feral hatred taking control and breaking the dam that had held my full demonic power at bay for sixteen years.

I can remember Kuronue's death and I still dream of it. The guilt has never left. I can remember the bastard that posed as him in an attempt to weaken my defenses. I can remember it all.

I still wonder at how Yomi managed to forgive me, or if he ever truly had. I can remember my racing heart when I received his invitation. And when he discovered the truth behind the attempt on his life, I remember.

Though I have many masks to hide behind, there is one person I know who will always know me; will always understand the pain in my soul and the turmoil in my heart. And there are those that will always stand by me. And thus I can remain sane to deal with the pain.

_We sing, but oh the clay is vile  
__Beneath our feet, and long the mile;_

The road to salvation is a long and arduous one. The road to forgiveness seems longer, while the road to atonement is longer still. My human existence has taught me much. It has changed me, my outlook on life, and my feelings toward the past.

No longer will I be the Youko Kurama of legend. While he is a part of me, he is no longer my entire being. Nor am I also Suuichi Minamino. While he has taught me to love another, he is not my entire being either.

I am Kurama. I walk a lonely road that I hope will lead to atonement or self-redemption. The walk is a long one, and there are those that would hinder my progress. But I shall not waiver. I shall remain true to myself. It was what I realized during my fight with Shigure. I cannot live a lie, for the path is longer still.

I shall take control of my destiny and walk the long road toward self-actualization, and I shall be redeemed.

_But let the world think otherwise,  
__We wear the mask!_

But as a champion, the world does not need to know of my internal struggles and strife. I will continue to fight, as I know they will, and I will continue to hide behind the masks I have created. But in the end I shall be free. In the end the world can see my true self.

The true self my friends have brought out in me.

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**Author's Note:** Leave me a review and let me know what you thought!


	2. Yusuke: A Detective

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**Disclaimer:** I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho, nor do I own the poem "We Wear the Mask." That was written by Paul Laurence Dunbar. I'm merely borrowing them both for my own amusement and will put them back when I'm done.

* * *

Yusuke

(A Detective)

* * *

_We wear the mask that grins and lies,  
__It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,_

Three years ago, the life I live now would have seemed like something out of a bad sci-fi movie. I never thought demons were real. They were just another story adults told their bratty kids to get them to go to sleep at night. The idea that there were demons or other fantasy creatures like that was just stupid; only in books and stories; or in those stupid possession movies where they need an exorcism. Because demons weren't real, I was never afraid of them. Boy was I wrong.

Three years later I know better.

Hell, a year after it started I knew better. Actually, two years ago the life I live now would still seem crazy. I mean, I've seen all the plot twists in those stupid movies, but they never could have prepared me for who I really am.

Three years ago I became Spirit Detective, and soon became the leader of what has been called the Reikai Tantei. I never had any noble aspirations, but I guess things never work out quite like you expected. My friends and I, we had a job. We saved the world. That was our thing. I guess it kinda still is. That never really goes away. But three years ago my friends and I, we got our jobs from Koenma. We were thrown into harm's way to save it all. No pressure.

The world, yeah, saving it is important. But my friends meant more to me than saving the world every damn time. The four of us, we could have easily died at any point during it all. Hell, I _did_. But that wasn't the point. My friends mean everything to me, but I was always forced to lead them into danger. I could have easily been leading them to their deaths. But they trusted me. And when I saw them hurt, it killed me. But a leader can't show weakness. And that's what I was: leader of the Reikai Tantei. And so I hid behind my carefree mask, never being totally able to bare my soul to anyone.

_This debt we pay to human guile;  
__With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,  
__And mouth with myriad subtleties._

I have to wonder if there is something fundamentally wrong with the human race. I mean, someone was always trying to take over the world and skill all humans or whatever. There has to be a reason that humans are always targeted. I realize I may be sounding a little too much like Sensui, but the experiences I went through, that my friends went through, well, they brought along some cynicism.

Sometimes I look back on it all and wonder whether all the pain was worth it. Did the ends really justify the means? Sure, you can say that saving the human race is a noble goal, a great aim, but is it really? I met some really horrible humans and some pretty decent demons, two of my teammates and friends included. Hell, I've met a lot of decent demons. Okay, your definition of decent may have to bend a bit for some, but Kurama and Hiei, for instance, they're more than decent. Way more.

And they went through all the pain just like I did. And in the end we always won. And that made it worth it, right? Nightmares, scars, both spiritual and physical, lies; they're all petty in comparison, right?

Right?

_Why should the world be over-wise,  
__In counting all our tears and sighs?_

I know I'm not the only one who still has nightmares from the Dark Tournament. I'm not the only one who bears scars from Sensui. And I'm not the only one who has been forever changed by these past three years.

I guess you might call us heroes or champions or something glorious like that. But do true heroes or champions truly exist? People want something greater than themselves to believe in. They don't want to see how normal their heroes are. Seriously, who gets more attention: Clark Kent or Superman? I guess that might not be the best example, but do you see my point? Superman would never bleed. He's, well, super. But Clark Kent is a man. He would cry out in pain; he would bleed. That's like us. We hurt, we bleed, but people don't want to see that. It's not glorious.

I suppose it's good the world didn't realize we were saving their asses so often then.

Who needs to know about our pain? Who wants to know that I still dream of Toguro and Sensui and wake up in a cold sweat. No one else needs to know that the human race's champions are vulnerable.

That's why we have each other.

_Nay, let them only see us, while  
__We wear the mask._

I don't hide who I am from my friends. They accept me no matter who (or what) I am. And that's why I love them. I've seen them at their most vulnerable and they've seen me at mine. It's a mutual respect thing. It's just the way things are.

But no one else would understand. No one else could understand how a simple thing like a nightmare could truly shake you to the core. I mean, really shake you. They do because they've felt it too. But the rest of the world… well, they don't need to know about it. They wouldn't get it anyway. They don't need to see me as I really am because they could never accept me. It's just a thing in human nature, to scorn the different. And me, well, I'm really different.

School kids, they saw the bully/punk side of me. Teachers too. Hell, even my mom usually saw that side of me… when she was around, anyway. It's just a mask I put up to protect myself. I think the only times my true self ever shines though is during a fight or with my friends. Only then do I know I'm among those like me and who will accept or understand me. Only then do I drop the mask.

_We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries  
__To thee from tortured souls arise._

We were supposed to be saving the world, but who was supposed to save us? I wondered about that a lot. Actually, I still do sometimes. I may not be Spirit Detective anymore, but did I earn the right, along with my friends, to be saved? I know it's not really in my nature to accept help, but I know my limits. And I know I won't be able to win them all. There will come a time when I need saving and my friends will need saving. And who will be there for us?

I guess there is always the path Kuroko took: a nice peaceful life, killing rogue demons every now and then. But that's not me. When she left the Spirit Detective position she was human. I'm not. So I guess I'll always be in the middle of something. But sometimes I wonder if that's really what I want. I mean, now I have an idea of who I am (and only now can I really appreciate the delicate life Kurama lives). Now I have Keiko and a future with her to look forward to. But if I'm constantly caught up in a fight, she could be in danger. And if anything happened to her, I don't know what I'd do.

That's the burden I carry. Not only have the fights as Spirit Detective left scars, so have the burdens of knowing I could have gotten any of my friends killed at any time. And sometimes I remember the pain my friends experienced and I feel as if my insides want to explode with guilt. How is that fair? But I had my share of pain too. I can remember the fights, if not the names of the fighters, and the pain. And I often wake up in a cold sweat after those dreams.

Only my friends can truly relate to that, so around others the mask goes up. Around others, I give them what they expect of Yusuke Urameshi.

_We sing, but of the clay is vile  
__Beneath our feet, and long the mile;_

I'm searching for something. I've gotten a small taste of it, but I want more. I need more. And so I will continue down the road until I find it. I don't care how long it takes, because I need it. I need to know. I need to know who I really am.

I've hid behind masks for so long that that road seems more like a path in the woods right now. When I was younger, Keiko was my only friend. The other kids were afraid of me, and I still don't know why, though I have to wonder if they sensed the demon in me without realizing it. It's human nature to want to avoid or hate anything different, and even the slightest hint can set kids off, I guess.

From then on, I made a mask of bullying to excuse the other kids hating me. My dad was gone, my mom was a drunk, and the other kids wouldn't play with me. Plenty of reason to hide behind that. And so, betraying my true self, I fitted myself into that mold. I skipped school, insulted everyone, and beat up people for looking at me wrong. Looking back, I realize that that might be the reason I have such a hard time figuring out myself. I've hid too much.

But I'll continue to walk the road to self-discovery until I get it figured out. I don't care how long it takes. And I know my friends will be there.

_But let the world think other-wise,  
__We wear the mask!_

No one needs to know the extent of what I'm going through. I don't usually get a lot of credit for brain power or heart and that's fine. The only people that really matter know the truth behind the mask. They know me, maybe even if I don't something. And for that I love them all.

But the rest of the world, well, they can see what they want.

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**Author's Note:** Leave me a review and let me know what you thought!


	3. Hiei: The Forbidden One

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**Disclaimer:** I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho, nor do I own the poem "We Wear the Mask." That was written by Paul Laurence Dunbar. I'm merely borrowing them both for my own amusement and will put them back when I'm done.

* * *

Hiei

(The Forbidden One)

* * *

_We wear the mask that grins and lies,  
__It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,_

Forbidden. That's what I am. From my birth I was the Forbidden Child of the koorime and was cast away. I live my life raised by thieves; cutthroats and traitors of the demon world brought me up. Suffice it to say that I had never experienced the sensation of love or even true companionship. All I knew was an intense hatred and bloodlust. And I suppose that was what kept me alive in Demon World.

Back then I was a hollow shell filled with dark emotions that resonated in my heart. But things began to change. I received the Jagan and learned of the existence of my sister. And I met Kurama soon after. Finding that I have connections to others once made me feel weak, so I am loath to admit dependence on anything related to it, but Kurama is a friend; my best friend in fact. I see him as a partner and a brother, but even if I won't tell him – is it because I fear something? Rejection? Humiliation? Betrayal? – he knows. He understands the masks I have built to hide behind, understands them well. And that is why, I believe, we can get along like we do.

My upbringing taught me to scorn connections to others, so I have closed myself off from the world. Even when I have wanted the connection to another, I have made myself aloof to avoid such trifles. And that is what everyone sees. So few know the true face behind the mask of indifference that I wear.

_This debt we pay to human guile;  
__With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,  
__And mouth with myriad subtleties._

The human race is a cursed one, though I suppose the same could be said of many races of demon, including the once I was born of. Motivated by self-interest and immersed so far in greed and deceit that the line between human and demon seems to blur. After joining – albeit reluctantly – the Spirit Detective team, I came to question that line between human and demon.

In my life I had met a variety of demons and humans as well. There are humans much like the bandits that raised me and demons like Yusuke's human love, Keiko. I often wondered if what I did – admittedly to reduce my sentence – was really worth it in the end, but Kurama always managed to tell me that it was, even when he didn't seem sure himself.

Battle after battle we fought, not only for ourselves and our lives, but for humans and their world. It's true that before it all ended I came to actually like a small number of humans, though telling them is out of the question. I let my sword do my talking for me, so those I have come to like shall never see the sharp end of my katana. And I guess fighting all those battles was, in part, fighting for those few humans I had come to find I had an attachment to. But then there were other humans, like Sakyo and Sensui, who made us all question the value of the human race and what we were fighting for.

In the end we always managed to be victorious, even though the prices we paid were often high. And often we were left with a bitter taste in our mouths; I can remember taking with Kurama after Sensui's defeat, both of us questioning it all. With all we had given up as a group, were the gains really worth it? Had Yusuke's death really been worth it? Did the ends truly justify the means?

_Why should the world be over-wise,  
__In counting all our tears and sighs?_

I suppose of you wanted a really grand view of what we did, you might call us heroes or champions, or some crap like that. But that's all bull. Yusuke may have been the human champion for awhile, and even Kuwabara to an extent, but that seems more a childish phase to me. I never really wanted to save humans, though Kurama did. I merely did my time and paid a high price for it.

By the time we chased Sensui into Demon World, I don't think our team cold be considered 'heroes' anymore. We were no longer fighting to save humans, but out of anger and a desire to avenge Yusuke's death. Who would have ever thought that I would have been willing to die for the sake of another? But the pain and anger truly hit me and I wanted blood.

But who really needs to know that? So few could understand anyway. I've been branded a traitor for my association with the Spirit Detectives, and, somewhere deep down, it did hurt. It hurts to be labeled as an outcast again. The first time it was only because I was born. The second time was because of choices I made. And I guess I can live with that, but who could understand that?

A few could understand, but not many. And I only care that those few who understand do, because they are the only ones that I feel any attachment to or feeling toward. The rest of the worlds can go to hell for all I care. They understand the pain because they have shared in it.

_Nay, let them only see us, while  
__We wear the mask._

Those who don't understand can't see behind the mask. I suppose that that was how it was built; empathy leading to understanding.

Those who watched us fight in the Dark Tournament and the Makai Tournament, those creatures will never understand. They saw the mask and bought into it. Even now, most of those I associate with in Mukuro's territory only see the mask. And that's fine. Mukuro can see behind it, but only because she understands the feelings of pain and despair and all else. No one who doesn't understand deserves to see what lies behind the mask anyway.

_We smile but, O great Christ, our cries  
__To thee from tortured souls arise._

There is not one among us who does not carry scars on his heart. If there was, he would be a shallow bastard indeed. I think I told Kurama that once. But it's true and I hold to it. I have scars on my heart and they define who I truly am.

Yes, I carry a bitterness towards the people who threw me from the cliff because of what  
I was born as. That still haunts me from time to time, but then I remember I have my sister. And while I have never told her who I am, I think she knows of a connection between us. So even pain, such as what I hold, can bring better things into our lives.

I have my scars, both physical and spiritual, but who among our team does not? I still dream at night of some of the horrors we faced, and I admit it to myself; I have been afraid. I have lost and despaired. But he who does not acknowledge the pain can never move past it. I can still picture many of the horrors we faced and my feelings at the time. I can remember what seemed like new emotions coming forth in my soul during different missions and my confusion at what they could mean. But in the end I embraced them, for not to do so would just be denying myself; my true self. And while I may seem cold to others, I do have feelings. And they do come at a price. And I have paid it in my fights thus far.

_We sing, but oh the clay is vile  
__Beneath our feet and long the mile;_

The road to self-realization is a long one and many obstacles lie on the path. I think in some way all four of us are traveling that road. And while I know I am not to the end of the road yet, for there is much left to be done in my life, I am happy with where I have ended up this far. For all the pain and suffering I have endured, I have gotten something out of it. I have come to understand love, to be loved and to love another. And in more than just the romantic sense of the word.

It may seem like a trifle to some, for they have known love their whole lives, but I have not. And it has been a long travel to reach this understanding, but it had been worth every step. And if reaching the end of that long and winding road of personal realization gives a sensation even part of what I have come to know now, then the arduous journey will have been worth it.

I think we all feel that way. To know yourself is the greatest reward and knowledge one can have, no matter the length of the trek required to get there.

_But let the world think other-wise,  
__We wear the mask!_

No one but those few who understand really need to see anything other than the mask that has become an almost permanent fixture on me. No one else deserves to know anyway. Only those who understand. And that is the way it is. And while under the mask I have changed since that day I met Kurama so long ago, the mask has remained the same.

And only my friends can see behind it.

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**Author's Note:** Happy Halloween! Sorry about the delay, but I have never really written anything specifically about Hiei so this chapter was a challenge to write. I hope I ended up doing his character some amount of justice. So leave me a review and let me know if I totally botched the fire demon or not.


	4. Kuwabara: The Sidekick

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**Author's Note:** I am SO sorry it took so long for me to finish this story up. I got into some other projects and wasn't really inspired, and well, enough excuses. This will be the final chapter. So leave me a review and tell me what you thought.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho, nor do I own the poem "We Wear the Mask," which was written by Paul Laurence Dunbar.

* * *

Chapter 4

Kuwabara (The Sidekick)

* * *

_We wear the mask that grins and lies,  
__It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,_

I've never been as strong as Yusuke; as smart as Kurama; or as fast as Hiei. Hell, if anything, I'd be considered the weak link of the team. I know my limits. Now anyway. And I know I'm one-hundred percent pure human, which is more than I can say for the other three. I'm sure thee are some that would say that I should be proud for keeping up with such powerful demons, but I have to wonder if I really ever _did_ keep up. For all my tough talk, I always knew they were better than me.

Tough talk. That's been the mask I've put up all my life. I've always hid my insecurities behind idle threats and boasts. And while I may play the fool, I'm not stupid. I've always wondered how many people have ever seen through that guise. No, I've never been smart like Kurama or even Hiei, but I do take pride in where I've gone since the Tantei disbanded. I've always been lazy when it comes to schoolwork - Urameshi is the same way, I'm sure - but I have a decent amount of street smarts. I wouldn't be around today if I didn't.

I know I'm strong. For a human, anyway. But when it comes to the others, I don't think I'll even be able to compare. And that is where the trash talking comes in. I hide behind a mask of strength and confidence to keep others from realizing that what I fear most is being weak. Few people have even seen behind that mask, or even guessed it is there. And I'm okay with that. Let them think what they will about me. I'm a man of action, anyway.

_This debt we to human guile;  
__With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,  
__And mouth with myriad subtleties._

I think Kurama might have been the first one of the team to really notice the mask. I think Urameshi may have guessed long before, but he never really did anything about it for the longest time. Hiei had always acted like I'm a complete idiot, but when I think back to our first meeting, I can hardly blame him. But I think even he knows. We've been through too much together for him - for any of them - to not. But Kurama was really the first to try and tear back the mask. And for that we share a special bond.

I think Kurama might understand my pain and feelings more than the others. Maybe that was why he tried to bridge the gap in the first place. Whatever it was, though, I'm grateful.

We both know the best - and worst - of both worlds. The juggling of feelings one way or another was dangerous in our old line of work. But as time went on, I did begin to question our missions. Humanity took some dark turns in my eyes and I've often wondered about that. It's not that I agree with Sensui or anything, but really, there _is_ something deep within the core of the human race that makes us just as primal and dangerous as demons.

And yet, the Tantei were the protectors of it all. The irony of three of the four members not being human is not lost on me. In fact, I feel I've become more cynical after the Tantei broke up. Back then, no matter the cost to us or our souls, we were to protect those that didn't even realize they needed saving. And we paid the price, which was often quite high. I still have nightmares about a lot of the stuff we faced. So I think I've earned the right to be a bit cynical about the world.

_Why should the world be over-wise,  
__In counting all our tears and sighs?_

The nightmares; the scars; the pain; they never fully leave no matter how much time passes. I know the others still dream. I do as well. Sometimes there is a reminder of something and I just freeze up at the memory. Does that sound cowardly? I might have considered it to be once, but no longer.

I think it's the fact that I've been out of action for so long. The others, they still go to the Makai Tournament. I'm done with all that. I occasionally get a call from Spirit World asking for help in catching a demon that's escaped into Human World - the others probably do to - but that's different from really being involved. It's never a challenge, morally or physically. Not anymore. So I consider myself out of action. And since I'm out of it all, the reality of what we went though had since really settled in. I've had time to think about it a lot more.

But the world doesn't need to know that its heroes hurt and feel pain like the rest of them. Hell, they don't need to know they have heroes at all. If the world knew that the four of us were all that stood between them and becoming demon prey, well, they would probably freak. So let them have their storybook heroes and values. The true casualties of war are those of us who went through it all. But you don't see any monuments being built for us.

_Nay, let them only see us, while  
__We wear the mask_

There is a certain face we have presented to the world to keep them from becoming suspicious. I hide behind my tough authority and no one thinks anything about it. They don't need to know the pain and insecurity that lurks underneath the mask. They say ignorance is bliss, after all.

After awhile, though, the mask tends to becomes habit. It's harder to take down the longer I wear it. I think the four of us are constantly showing our masks that were forced on us by society and pain to each other. But it's something we've gotten used to. I've seen them when they were vulnerable and hurting and they've seen the same of me. We've been through too much together to not know each other well enough to see past the facade.

But while we may see past each others' masks, the rest of the world had no need to knowing that we are even wearing them. We have made the seams very hard to find.

_We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries  
__To thee from tortured souls arise_

I often wake in the middle of the night in a cold sweat after dreaming about the past. The fear and the pain always seem so real. And when the others are at the Makai Tournament, the dreams and fear seem to come more often. After all these years, the truth still scares me. But there are so few people who understand and even fewer who can do anything about it.

So instead of doing anything about it, I'll continue to talk tough; Yusuke will continue to pound on whatever or whoever is most convenient; Hiei will continue to slash away his pain with his sword; and Kurama will continue to function normally, those deep eyes the only thing belying his discomfort.

We all have our demons - literally and figuratively - and we have our own ways of getting through the day when faced with them. And in that sense, we all have our own masks.

_We sing, but oh the clay is vile  
__Beneath our feet, and long the mile;_

There is a long road ahead of me filled with many obstacles. At the end of the road is peace of mind and comfort. There is a long way to go before the nightmares will decrease and the scars will fade. The way people talk, it seems like things like nightmares and scars should fade in no time at all. But those people know nothing of true pain and true suffering. Until they know the truth, they will only be extra roadblocks on my way to shedding my mask.

But no matter how long it takes, I plan to stay the course. Maybe then I'll be someone worthy of Yukina's love. Maybe then I'll be someone worthy of my own love.

I will stay the course and in the end I will find out. I know my friends have their own roads to travel, but they will always be there when I need them. Fighting alongside them for so long formed a bond that tells me that. And I will be there for them when they need me.

_But let the world think otherwise,  
__We wear the mask!_

Until the day I reach the end of the road, I will continue to wear the mask. We are all searching for something within ourselves and until we find whatever it is, the masks won't be ready to come off. And I've come to terms with that. The few people in the world I would even want to show my true self to already have a good idea of what lies underneath the mask. Maybe a little better idea than even I have. So until the road comes to an end, I will wear the mask.

* * *

_The End_


End file.
